By: April Clay
Question:
How do I become the best horse show mom I can be? I really want to be there for my daughter, but not interfere with her training. Can you give me some tips?
Answer:
You are very wise to be considering how not to interfere with your daughter’s riding, as it is a trap many sport parents enter. Here are some core principles to becoming a winning sport parent that will get you on your way.
The first important rule for all parents of young athletes to remember is: don’t act as a coach. Your child already has one of these and should be directed to them if they have a riding question. As a parent, you are part of their team, their support system.
Is it encouragement or pushing? Watch your intensity and language when discussing your child’s riding. When children get the message that acceptance is conditional upon winning, they either emotionally withdraw or become resentful. You can also easily make a sensitive child anxious with too much talk about their sport.
Don’t assume that you need to do everything for your child at a competition. Ask them what their needs are both in terms of physical assistance and emotional support. For example, almost every child has a “bubble” time – a time when they want to be alone. Usually this is a period before and after they go into the ring. Find out what this is and respect it.
Don’t compare your child’s riding to others. Direct them instead to improve skills and to develop personal bests.
Emphasize process over outcome: make sure you celebrate participation, effort, sportsmanship, and planning with your child, not just the wins.
Separate sport errors from personal failures for your child. The loss of a competition should not reflect on their value as a person, or suggest they are a “failure.”
Comment on the activity not on the child’s “status”. For example, say “I really enjoyed watching you ride,” instead of “You were the best rider out there.”
Don’t base your self-esteem on your child’s participation. Kids know all too well when this happens and will begin to feel compelled to compete for your approval rather than their own pleasure. This equals an unhappy, unmotivated child who usually drops their performance level.
Never publicly criticize your child. Even if discipline issues arise that must be dealt with and that are not sport related, use discretion and handle these matters privately.
If your child is nervous or fearful, don’t join in with your own emotions as you may escalate the situation. Help them process the emotion by staying centered yourself and maintaining a problem-solving approach.
Know your own values about sport and how they are being communicated. Values are both explicitly and implicitly translated to the child. For example, if every time they win, you shower them with attention and gifts, and when they don’t you just drive home in silence, what do you think you are communicating?
Help your child process events. It is important to have an open channel of communication with your child, so try using open-ended questions. If a tearful child says, “I had a horrible ride today,” don’t say, “It will get better tomorrow.”
Instead, try “Sounds as though you’re upset, can you tell me what happened?” This acknowledges the child’s feelings and lets them know you’re willing to help them work it out.
Above all, keep your sense of humour. If you’re having fun and being relaxed, your young rider will feel free to do so as well!
Chartered psychologist April Clay is a former A Circuit rider and a member of the Canadian Mental Training Registry. She performs seminars and consultations in equine sports psychology including: Individuals or groups, On the ground or mounted, Email consultations. The perfect topic for your next association meeting! To find out more, call (403) 714-2529, email: april@bodymindmotion.com or visit www.bodymindmotion.com.
