By Bob Goddard
One of the benefits of owning horses is that you get to name your “spread.” Horseless people can’t do this.
Without horses – or at least cattle or a few pigs – a sign over the family driveway is misleading.
An entrance sign tells the world: “Hey, beyond this archway is something special. Something we’re proud of. Something expensive. Like horses.”
Horse people belong to a long tradition of living in places with names. Think Ponderosa. Think South Fork. Think Outer Mongolia. Think of that great big place in Montana where they keep Robert Redford these days. I forget the name.
Of course, you don’t need 10,000 acres in order to participate. Even the smallest of spreads can have names.
Creative name-givers can reflect the lack of size in quaint or whimsical ways: “Too Few Acres” or “Heavens Little Corner” or “Pigheaded Neighbours Won’t Sell Adjacent Acres They Aren’t Even Using Anyway Ranch.”
As long as you have one creative person in the house, naming your spread is not difficult. However, if you have more than one creative person, it’s impossible.
Back when our girls were small enough for me to pick them up under one arm, we had many conversations regarding what to name our little place on five acres. All of them were unproductive.
Whenever one of these discussions broke out, I attempted to referee the proceedings. Like anything that has to do with horses in our family, my job was to keep things under control. And like anything else to do with horses in our family, I failed miserably.
In the process, one thing became clear: what a person wants to name a place says more about the person than the place.
Our horse-loving daughter Jamie, whose life (and everyone else’s) revolves around her horse Eddie, suggested “Eddie’s Acres.” While this had a ring to it, Jamie was outvoted Everybody Else to One.
Hiliary, our youngest (by age), wanted us to call the place “The X Ranch.” I’m sure this had nothing to do with the fact that she was an X-Files fanatic who BELIEVED. What she BELIEVED was that David Duchovney was the second coming of Brad Pitt. The name was hardly acceptable to the Pierce Bronson fans in our group.
While we rejected Hiliary’s suggestion, it spurred a number of respectable X-related ideas.
Jenny thought “Diamond X Ranch” sounded good. Aunt Marty suggested “The Lazy X Ranch.” I thought “The Lazy Kids’ Ranch” was more like it, but I didn’t say so.
Uncle Ed upped the ante by throwing in another pair of X’s: “The Triple X Ranch.” Just what we needed. I put my hand on Ed’s shoulder and pointed out all the reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea to name the place “The XXX Ranch.” Aunt Marty warned Uncle Ed that if he kept it up we’d be calling the place “The X-Husband Ranch.”
We never came up with a name. After a few years, we moved away. It seemed easier.
Horses All columnist and equine humourist Bob Goddard hails from Ravenna, Michigan. His hilarious new book Horse Crazy! A Tongue-in-Cheek Guide for Parents of Horse-Addicted Girls ($9.95 from Dog Town Press) is now available at www. horsecrazy.net. To contact Bob, send an email to bobgoddard@verizon.net.
